Jon Ludovina, the author of this post, is one of the pastors of our Downtown church and oversees all of our Sunday teaching and preaching. To find out more about our leadership, visit our Leadership page.
Our What’s Killing Me series is going to be really helpful for our church family, and due to the nature of the series, it is going to drag up some heavy stuff in your LifeGroup. Anytime someone digs down into their root issues and tells you what they are dealing with, they are giving you an opportunity and a responsibility. The opportunity is for you and your group to be a tangible picture of Jesus’ love, grace and truth in how you respond. The responsibility is that in a vulnerable moment of confession, you can crush a person who already feels weighed down under the weight of their sin.
In light of that, I want to give you helpful ways to not be a jerk in your LifeGroup and in conversations you have with people throughout What’s Killing Me:
1. Keep everything centered on the gospel, Scripture, and the healing and freedom that only Jesus brings. Help people see that Jesus is the decisive power for victory and change in the depths of our souls. Help them see how Jesus’ finished work in the cross brings freedom to change and motivation to change. Heaping moralistic, religious guilt and pressure onto people is a great way to be a jerk, but it won’t ever bring the long lasting change God desires for His people.
2. Make sure people feel heard and understood. As people offer vulnerable details from their past, failures and struggles in their soul, we want to respond in a way that affirms; I hear you. I understand what you’re saying. And I care. Silence with a few awkward, “Oh”s and “Huh”s communicates you are weird and dirty and/or we don’t care that much about what you just said.
There will be times when you don’t know what to say, and there are some really helpful go to responses:
“So what you’re saying is…”
“We’re so glad you’re part of our group and we get to walk through this together.”
“Thanks for letting us know what’s really going on.”
“I’m really sorry that happened to you.”
3. Ask good questions. Questions are your friend when trying to dig deeper into what’s going on with someone. Good questions communicate I hear you, I care and I want to know more. Questions like:
Why do you think you did that?
What were you chasing after in that moment?
What did your heart desire?
What is the deeper need you think this behavior is meeting for you?
What were you afraid of?
What does that reveal you believe about God and yourself?
How does the truth of the gospel reshape these beliefs?
4. Do away with distractions. Half paying attention while you check twitter, instagram and scores on your smart phone during group time? Nuh-uh. Practice active listening. Communicate your love for them by giving them your full and undivided attention.
5. There will be times when you don’t quite know what to say, and that’s okay. You will at some point feel like you are in over your head. Someone will share something and you will be having an inward panic attack because you don’t know exactly how you should respond. It’s okay. Breathe.
Our church is equipped with Recovery, LifeGroup coaches and pastors available to help your group handle anything that comes up no matter how big or scary it seems. An appropriate response is always, “I have no idea what that feels like. Honestly I don’t even know what to say, but I’m glad Jesus has you here and we will figure it out together.”
At the end of the day, push everything back to the gospel through community. Pray like crazy. Trust the Holy Spirit and His guidance to give you appropriate words to say at the right time. It’s going to be messy and it’s going to be worth it. It’s going to take faithful work to press into Jesus but His perfect love and grace will be the decisive power to grow and change us more and more into His image.