How to Not be a Jerk during What's Killing Me

Jon Ludovina, the author of this post, is one of the pastors of our Downtown church and oversees all of our Sunday teaching and preaching. To find out more about our leadership, visit our Leadership page.

Our What’s Killing Me series is going to be really helpful for our church family, and due to the nature of the series, it is going to drag up some heavy stuff in your LifeGroup. Anytime someone digs down into their root issues and tells you what they are dealing with, they are giving you an opportunity and a responsibility. The opportunity is for you and your group to be a tangible picture of Jesus’ love, grace and truth in how you respond. The responsibility is that in a vulnerable moment of confession, you can crush a person who already feels weighed down under the weight of their sin.

In light of that, I want to give you helpful ways to not be a jerk in your LifeGroup and in conversations you have with people throughout What’s Killing Me:

1. Keep everything centered on the gospel, Scripture, and the healing and freedom that only Jesus brings. Help people see that Jesus is the decisive power for victory and change in the depths of our souls. Help them see how Jesus’ finished work in the cross brings freedom to change and motivation to change. Heaping moralistic, religious guilt and pressure onto people is a great way to be a jerk, but it won’t ever bring the long lasting change God desires for His people.

2. Make sure people feel heard and understood. As people offer vulnerable details from their past, failures and struggles in their soul, we want to respond in a way that affirms; I hear you. I understand what you’re saying. And I care. Silence with a few awkward, “Oh”s and “Huh”s communicates you are weird and dirty and/or we don’t care that much about what you just said.

There will be times when you don’t know what to say, and there are some really helpful go to responses:

“So what you’re saying is…”

“We’re so glad you’re part of our group and we get to walk through this together.”

“Thanks for letting us know what’s really going on.”

“I’m really sorry that happened to you.”

3. Ask good questions. Questions are your friend when trying to dig deeper into what’s going on with someone. Good questions communicate I hear you, I care and I want to know more. Questions like:

Why do you think you did that?

What were you chasing after in that moment?

What did your heart desire?

What is the deeper need you think this behavior is meeting for you?

What were you afraid of?

What does that reveal you believe about God and yourself?

How does the truth of the gospel reshape these beliefs?

4. Do away with distractions. Half paying attention while you check twitter, instagram and scores on your smart phone during group time? Nuh-uh. Practice active listening. Communicate your love for them by giving them your full and undivided attention.

5. There will be times when you don’t quite know what to say, and that’s okay. You will at some point feel like you are in over your head. Someone will share something and you will be having an inward panic attack because you don’t know exactly how you should respond. It’s okay. Breathe.

Our church is equipped with Recovery, LifeGroup coaches and pastors available to help your group handle anything that comes up no matter how big or scary it seems. An appropriate response is always, “I have no idea what that feels like. Honestly I don’t even know what to say, but I’m glad Jesus has you here and we will figure it out together.”

At the end of the day, push everything back to the gospel through community. Pray like crazy. Trust the Holy Spirit and His guidance to give you appropriate words to say at the right time. It’s going to be messy and it’s going to be worth it. It’s going to take faithful work to press into Jesus but His perfect love and grace will be the decisive power to grow and change us more and more into His image.

15 Things to Help During "What's Killing Me"

Brandon Clements, the author of this post, is a pastor of Midtown Fellowship. He oversees LifeGroups and  Recovery. To find out more about our leadership, visit our Leadership page.

The What’s Killing Me series is going to be a really helpful series for our church family, and due to the nature of it, it is going to drag up some heavy stuff in your group. In light of that, we wanted to send you guys some help & encouragement in advance. So read through the following document and as always, reach out to your coach with any issues or questions you have.

Important Things to Remember

1. There will be times when you don’t quite know what to say to someone, and that’s okay.

You will at some point feel like you are in over your head. Someone will share something and you will be having an inward panic attack because you don’t know exactly how you should respond. It’s okay. Breathe. Push everything back to the gospel and community. Pray like crazy. Trust the Holy Spirit and His guidance to give you appropriate words to say at the right time. Also, “I don’t know quite what to say but I will find out and get back to you” is an acceptable response.

“And when they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”

Luke 12.11-12

Also, be okay with silence. Don’t feel the need to cover every awkward moment with words. Get comfortable with silence and know that God is working. In talking through things as deeply rooted as these inventories, there will be some awkward moments.

2. Make sure people feel heard and understood.

When someone shares something, ensure that someone responds in an appropriate manner that communicates the fact that they are loved. Your presence, listening, and physical demeanor can communicate the gospel more than you realize.

a. Some possible responses:

i.    Re-state what they said. “So what you’re saying is…”

ii. “Thanks so much for sharing that with us.”

iii.“We are so glad you are a part of our group.”

iv. “I’m really sorry that that happened to you.”

v.  “Thanks for being honest and filling us in on what’s really going on with you.”

vi.  When appropriate, stop and ask someone to pray for them on the spot.

3. Do away with distractions.

That person who is always on their phone during group time? Nuh-uh. This is a great time to reinforce that we should give each other our full attention. Looking at Twitter while someone is spilling their deepest junk is not an acceptable thing to do. Remind your people of this every week if you need to.

4. Ask good questions.

Questions are your friend when trying to dig deeper into what’s going on with someone. When in doubt of what to say or ask, “What,” “How,” and “Why” are helpful tools:

a. What did you base that decision on?

b. What is the deeper need you think this behavior is meeting for you?

c. What were you trying to accomplish by _______?

d. How did you arrive at that decision?

e. What does that (behavior, thought, etc.) reveal that you believe about God/yourself?

f. Why do you think you keep returning to _______? Why do you expect the results to be different from the same behavior?

g. What are you forgetting or failing to believe about the gospel in this?

5. Keep everything centered on the gospel, Scripture, and the healing and freedom that only Jesus brings.

If conversations aren’t going there then we are failing at our job. We can heal no one…only Jesus can!

Always keep the gospel as the lens. Looking at ourselves deeply can be tough. Digging without the gospel leads to despair and hopelessness, but looking at self through the lens of the gospel leads to worship because we are fully known and fully accepted because of the work of Jesus. Nothing to hide or cover, fully exposed and fully loved and accepted.

We have to apply the gospel to all areas of life (idolatry, chasing satisfaction, value/worth/approval, deep wounds, etc.) Apply the gospel and the implications of Jesus’ righteousness, obedience, performance and approval that are imputed to us through faith. How is Jesus good news for your people?

6. Do everything you can to prepare in advance.

Read the content in the ebook and do your inventories in advance. Pick the questions that will be your go-to if discussion is slow. Study related passages that you might want to share during the group, etc.

7. Celebrate the wins…even the small stuff.

People need all the encouragement they can get when digging deep into things like this, and you will need all the positive news and encouragement that you can get. So celebrate the good stuff, the steps in the right direction, the growing honesty & vulnerability, the changing hearts and desires. Clap, cheer, hug…do whatever you can think of to celebrate Jesus’ work in people’s lives.

8. Try to end each group meeting on a positive note.

Again, this stuff can feel heavy. We want people walking out the door thinking about how Jesus is working and how faithful He is even in our waywardness, not about how much they suck.

Before you end in prayer every week you could ask, “What is one positive thing or evidence of spiritual growth that you have noticed recently? How is Jesus good news for you this week?”

9. Pray and stay rooted in Scripture.

What we say has little effectiveness if not backed up by the truth of God’s word and the moving of the Holy Spirit through our words. So pray for and depend on that because you can never go wrong. Share as much Scripture as you’d like with people in groups as you are discussing. Stop and pray for things as much as you think is beneficial.

10. Give others the gift of going second.

There is so much power in speaking truth to someone out of your own struggle and brokenness. They will respect you more, trust you more, and be willing to listen to you more if they know you are a real person with real issues.

11. Figure out ways to go deeper if it is needed in your group.

There simply won’t be time for everyone in your group to talk about everything they wrote on their inventory in detail, unless you plan to spend many more weeks talking about these things than the series lasts. Acceptable options are:

a. Hit the highlights each week.

b. Pair people up to meet during the week and go deeper into covering inventories than you are able to go during group time.

c. Talk through the inventories for longer than the series will last (depending on your group schedule and rhythms).

12. Handle people who talk too much with grace and firmness.

Sometimes when people get a chance to air their struggles openly they unintentionally think the whole group meeting should be devoted to them. There may be times where the majority of a group meeting needs to be spent on a particular individual or two, but regular domination of group conversation should not be allowed.

There is a saying that “Grace to 1 cannot be tyranny to 10.” You may need to wrap up someone’s time by cutting in and saying, “Thanks so much for sharing—we need to move on to make sure others have time to share.” Of course, if this needs to happen you should have an individual conversation with them about being considerate of the others in the group. Shepherd them well through that if this becomes a necessity.

13. Feel more than free to ask for help.

Contact your coach about anything that feels uncertain or over your head.

14. Pray for relational awareness and Holy Spirit guidance your group time.

This is essentially asking the question, “What does this person need right now?”

Recommended Reading for Grassroots Kingdom

On Sunday, we began our new sermon series called

Grassroots Kingdom

. In the series, we'll be discussing God's plan to change the world through his people, the church. We also know that some of you may be interested in studying further on the subject. To help out, we thought we'd provide a list of books that have been instrumental in helping us plan the series, in hopes that they'll be helpful to you too:

totalchurch

Total ChurchTim Chester & Steve Timmis "Church is not a meeting you attend or a place you enter," write pastors Tim Chester and Steve Timmis. "It's an identity that is ours in Christ. An identity that shapes the whole of life so that life and mission become 'total church.'" With that as their premise, they emphasize two overarching principles to govern the practice of church and mission: being gospel-centered and being community-centered. When these principles take precedence, say the authors, the truth of the Word is upheld, the mission of the gospel is carried out, and the priority of relationships is practiced in radical ways.

everydaychurch

Everyday Church Tim Chester & Steve Timmis We live in an increasingly post-Christian culture. More and more we find ourselves on the margins as less and less people have any intention of ever attending church. What used to work doesn’t work anymore and we need to adapt. Helping us to see the way forward, this book offers practical ideas and personal stories for engaging with Western society. Find out how to effectively reach people in the context of everyday life and take hold of the opportunity to develop missional communities focused on Jesus.

community

Community Brad House Pastor Brad House helps us to re-imagine what gospel-centered community looks like and shares from his experience leading and reproducing healthy small groups. With wisdom and candor, House challenges us to think carefully about our own groups and to take steps toward cultivating communities that are able to glorify Jesus, bless one another, and participate in the mission of God.

lifetogether

Life Together Dietrich Bonhoeffer In Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, renowned Christian minister, professor, and author of The Cost of Discipleship recounts his unique fellowship in an underground seminary during the Nazi years in Germany. Giving practical advice on how life together in Christ can be sustained in families and groups, Life Together is bread for all who are hungry for the real life of Christian fellowship.

masterplan

The Master Plan of Evangelism Robert E.  Coleman For more than forty years this classic study has shown Christians how to minister to the people God brings into their lives. Instead of drawing on the latest popular fad or the newest selling technique, Dr. Robert E. Coleman looks to the Bible to find the answer to the question: What was Christ's strategy for evangelism? This convenient, portable format has an updated look for a new generation of readers.

mealwithjesus

A Meal with Jesus Tim Chester The meals of Jesus represent something bigger. They represent a new world, a new kingdom, a new outlook.Tim Chester brings to light God’s purposes in the seemingly ordinary act of sharing a meal—how this everyday experience is really an opportunity for grace, community, and mission. Chester challenges contemporary understandings of hospitality as he urges us to evaluate why and who we invite to our table. Learn how you can foster grace and bless others through the rich fare being served in A Meal with Jesus.

the-big-story

The Big Story Justin Buzzard When strangers meet today they often ask not, "What do you do?," but "What is your story?" Everybody has a story. And everybody on the planet believes some larger story in order to make sense of the smaller story of their life. We want our lives to fit within a larger plot-complete with a sense of history, conflict resolution, forward movement, and future. So, the better question to ask is, "What sort of story are you in?"

A Little Help From Our Friends

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The following post is part of our Treasure Hunting series. Find out more about our Treasure Hunting series here.

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Each of the following men have been influential in helping our staff honor Jesus in our financial management and grow in generosity to send our wealth ahead by investing in Jesus’ kingdom and mission. Check out their resources for further study, or give them some love for helping us lead and teach you.

Dave Ramsey @DaveRamsey www.daveramsey.com It’s been funny throughout this series how many people have come up to me and asked me, “Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey?! He teaches a lot of the same stuff y'all are teaching in this series!” The simple answer is yes. Although I haven’t been actively listening to or learning a lot from Dave, he was absolutely instrumental in helping me learn a lot of basics of personal finance when I was in college. From nationally syndicated radio shows, to regional classes and online tools, Dave is a great resource to help you start living on a budget and be more wise and generous in giving more of your riches away.

Ronald Blue @KingdomAdvisors www.ronblue.com www.kingdomadvisors.org Ronald Blue provides clients with biblically sound wisdom on planning, investing and maximizing generosity (i.e. the longest term investment). He has worked for and started multiple successful financial businesses, including Ronald Blue & Co. (personal financial advisors) and Kingdom Advisors (training for biblical financially-minded people to assist others). He also provided the bucket illustration that we gladly stole and adapted for our sermon Wise, Wicked or Lazy. Thanks Ron!

Randy Alcorn @RandyAlcorn Randy is an author who has written many books including two that were particularly helpful for our treasure hunting series. If you’d like to read more to continue growing in your faithful, biblical financial management in light of eternity, read his book Money, Possessions & Eternity, or if you have less time to spare, the shorter version Treasure Principle.

Steve Von Fange Steve is a relatively new missionary member to the Midtown family, and his gracious generosity and wisdom have already been very helpful.  He is about to start leading a LifeGroup, provided a free day of financial training for our staff, is father to one of our resident interns and graciously offered to teach a Personal Finance Seminar for our church family in conjunction with our Treasure Hunting Series. Steve, thanks for graciously giving yourself to our family and being in on Jesus’ mission for our city!

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This post was contributed by pastor Jon Ludovina. Jon serves by overseeing our teaching and preaching. Follow Jon on Twitter at @j_luda. Find out more about our leadership on our leadership page.