Brandon Clements, the author of this post, is a pastor of Midtown Fellowship. He oversees LifeGroups and Recovery. To find out more about our leadership, visit our Leadership page.
The What’s Killing Me series is going to be a really helpful series for our church family, and due to the nature of it, it is going to drag up some heavy stuff in your group. In light of that, we wanted to send you guys some help & encouragement in advance. So read through the following document and as always, reach out to your coach with any issues or questions you have.
Important Things to Remember
1. There will be times when you don’t quite know what to say to someone, and that’s okay.
You will at some point feel like you are in over your head. Someone will share something and you will be having an inward panic attack because you don’t know exactly how you should respond. It’s okay. Breathe. Push everything back to the gospel and community. Pray like crazy. Trust the Holy Spirit and His guidance to give you appropriate words to say at the right time. Also, “I don’t know quite what to say but I will find out and get back to you” is an acceptable response.
“And when they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
Luke 12.11-12
Also, be okay with silence. Don’t feel the need to cover every awkward moment with words. Get comfortable with silence and know that God is working. In talking through things as deeply rooted as these inventories, there will be some awkward moments.
2. Make sure people feel heard and understood.
When someone shares something, ensure that someone responds in an appropriate manner that communicates the fact that they are loved. Your presence, listening, and physical demeanor can communicate the gospel more than you realize.
a. Some possible responses:
i. Re-state what they said. “So what you’re saying is…”
ii. “Thanks so much for sharing that with us.”
iii.“We are so glad you are a part of our group.”
iv. “I’m really sorry that that happened to you.”
v. “Thanks for being honest and filling us in on what’s really going on with you.”
vi. When appropriate, stop and ask someone to pray for them on the spot.
3. Do away with distractions.
That person who is always on their phone during group time? Nuh-uh. This is a great time to reinforce that we should give each other our full attention. Looking at Twitter while someone is spilling their deepest junk is not an acceptable thing to do. Remind your people of this every week if you need to.
4. Ask good questions.
Questions are your friend when trying to dig deeper into what’s going on with someone. When in doubt of what to say or ask, “What,” “How,” and “Why” are helpful tools:
a. What did you base that decision on?
b. What is the deeper need you think this behavior is meeting for you?
c. What were you trying to accomplish by _______?
d. How did you arrive at that decision?
e. What does that (behavior, thought, etc.) reveal that you believe about God/yourself?
f. Why do you think you keep returning to _______? Why do you expect the results to be different from the same behavior?
g. What are you forgetting or failing to believe about the gospel in this?
5. Keep everything centered on the gospel, Scripture, and the healing and freedom that only Jesus brings.
If conversations aren’t going there then we are failing at our job. We can heal no one…only Jesus can!
Always keep the gospel as the lens. Looking at ourselves deeply can be tough. Digging without the gospel leads to despair and hopelessness, but looking at self through the lens of the gospel leads to worship because we are fully known and fully accepted because of the work of Jesus. Nothing to hide or cover, fully exposed and fully loved and accepted.
We have to apply the gospel to all areas of life (idolatry, chasing satisfaction, value/worth/approval, deep wounds, etc.) Apply the gospel and the implications of Jesus’ righteousness, obedience, performance and approval that are imputed to us through faith. How is Jesus good news for your people?
6. Do everything you can to prepare in advance.
Read the content in the ebook and do your inventories in advance. Pick the questions that will be your go-to if discussion is slow. Study related passages that you might want to share during the group, etc.
7. Celebrate the wins…even the small stuff.
People need all the encouragement they can get when digging deep into things like this, and you will need all the positive news and encouragement that you can get. So celebrate the good stuff, the steps in the right direction, the growing honesty & vulnerability, the changing hearts and desires. Clap, cheer, hug…do whatever you can think of to celebrate Jesus’ work in people’s lives.
8. Try to end each group meeting on a positive note.
Again, this stuff can feel heavy. We want people walking out the door thinking about how Jesus is working and how faithful He is even in our waywardness, not about how much they suck.
Before you end in prayer every week you could ask, “What is one positive thing or evidence of spiritual growth that you have noticed recently? How is Jesus good news for you this week?”
9. Pray and stay rooted in Scripture.
What we say has little effectiveness if not backed up by the truth of God’s word and the moving of the Holy Spirit through our words. So pray for and depend on that because you can never go wrong. Share as much Scripture as you’d like with people in groups as you are discussing. Stop and pray for things as much as you think is beneficial.
10. Give others the gift of going second.
There is so much power in speaking truth to someone out of your own struggle and brokenness. They will respect you more, trust you more, and be willing to listen to you more if they know you are a real person with real issues.
11. Figure out ways to go deeper if it is needed in your group.
There simply won’t be time for everyone in your group to talk about everything they wrote on their inventory in detail, unless you plan to spend many more weeks talking about these things than the series lasts. Acceptable options are:
a. Hit the highlights each week.
b. Pair people up to meet during the week and go deeper into covering inventories than you are able to go during group time.
c. Talk through the inventories for longer than the series will last (depending on your group schedule and rhythms).
12. Handle people who talk too much with grace and firmness.
Sometimes when people get a chance to air their struggles openly they unintentionally think the whole group meeting should be devoted to them. There may be times where the majority of a group meeting needs to be spent on a particular individual or two, but regular domination of group conversation should not be allowed.
There is a saying that “Grace to 1 cannot be tyranny to 10.” You may need to wrap up someone’s time by cutting in and saying, “Thanks so much for sharing—we need to move on to make sure others have time to share.” Of course, if this needs to happen you should have an individual conversation with them about being considerate of the others in the group. Shepherd them well through that if this becomes a necessity.
13. Feel more than free to ask for help.
Contact your coach about anything that feels uncertain or over your head.
14. Pray for relational awareness and Holy Spirit guidance your group time.
This is essentially asking the question, “What does this person need right now?”
